Alacrity

I know I love Spongebob more than a mid-20's college grad ought to, but even I think the new Church of Spongebob is not just a little bit weird. Are they going to consult the magic conch during ceremonies? I actually want a magic conch. It's like a magic 8 ball, but cooler. Oh, here's someone's attempt at a magic conch. You're welcome; glad I could help.

(link courtesy of FARK)

Addition - I found their website. No mention of the magic conch, whatsoever. Maybe I can join a conch-following sect.
Here are the highlights of the church's tenets:
- Running around naked was fun when you were a kid, and can be fun as an adult. [dubious implications, I think]
- You can surprise the hell out of someone by throwing a birthday party for them when it isn't their birthday.
- If you're going to do something, do it completely - but don't hurt yourself.
- Wearing lucky underpants or a good luck charm may not work - but how can it hurt?
- If you're going to do something, even if it's something you've failed at repeatedly, be confident in yourself and express that confidence.
- Bicycles seems to work as well as boats underwater.
- Tricks are always exposed.
- It's exciting to get new tools at work.
- Saa-laads suck. [damn straight]