Roger Ebert knows how to dish it out in his zero-stars review of the new Deuce Bigalow movie:

"...Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."

(defamer has the back-story of the Schneider vs. Goldstein debacle here and here)

Fantastic idea: Temptation blocker allows you to block certain programs from yourself to increase productivity. I had a similar system in undergrad-- a piece of paper that said "get back to work" taped extensively over the monitor-- this is even more effective. It even blocks using ctrl+alt+delete so you can't just shut it off. Very clever!

(link via lifehacker my new favorite site)

Just asking...
What AHS c/o 2000 student (who claimed to have gone to college in the Sudan but definitely went to Auburn and just blatantly lied the whole time) got busted for second degree burglary and was hauled off to jail recently?

(all page six jokes aside, does anyone know who I'm talking about and have info about this? Laura advised not to post his name and Laura must be obeyed.)

I was just perusing my favorite site for reminiscing- Atlanta Time Machine- and saw this. Did anyone else know that there was an Atlanta White House? I know I never got around to doing touristy things while I lived there, but I've been all over Briarcliff. How did I miss that? It's kind of freaky. Maybe the "first lady" has a House of Yes Jackie-O complex.

Random comments on books and movies:
--War of the Worlds was an exciting movie, but the book trumps it by being both exciting and logical (and less than $4 at B&N).

--Despite what Ebert says about it, I want to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again just to watch Johnny Depp.

--Elizabeth (1998) was an exciting film. Having just finished The Life of Elizabeth I did not spoil my enjoyment of the movie at all, since the plot bore no resemblance to the actual life of Elizabeth I (at least as told by Alison Weir).

--It's Audrey Hepburn month on TCM. If you've never seen it, try to catch Charade with Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant because Cary Grant is the greatest and it's as good as a Hitchcock thriller (even better than some, dare I say).

Hilarious scathing toy review for the Human Torch ATV. I'll take the easy route and quote the same portions Defamer did:

"There has never been a more ridiculously stupid and insulting toy than the Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!). And this is why:

The Human Torch has no need for an All-Terrain Vehicle because the last time I checked, the Human Torch can f--king FLY.

Has anyone told the Human Torch that it might not be safe to sit on top of a gas tank when one is on FIRE? Nice message to send the kids, assholes! ...

The Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV also has light-up headlights! Good thing, because there's nothing more useless than dark-down headlights. What does the freaking Human Torch need with headlights anyway? HE'S ON FIRE!"

I saw the Fantastic Four stuff at Walmart the other day. Couldn't they come up with anything for Invisagirl and Bendy-guy (no clue what they're really called)? Maybe those had already sold out... Good thing I had no intention of watching this movie and/or buying invisible person costuming.

Thank goodness. After years of saying "Hotel California" is the worst, most overrated song ever, I found some support. Not on this list of Top 13 Most Overrated Songs, but in the FARK comments about that list. Three people meantioned "Hotel California" as deserving to be on that list. I take my validation where I can find it.

Need a research idea? 125 Questions: What we don't know from Science magazine may help. Most of them are boring, "important" questions about curing cancer and such, but others are about dinos!

"Why were some dinosaurs so large?
Dinosaurs reached almost unimaginable sizes, some in less than 20 years. But how did the long-necked sauropods, for instance, eat enough to pack on up to 100 tons without denuding their world?"

and black holes!

"What is the nature of black holes?
Relativistic mass crammed into a quantum-sized object? It's a recipe for disaster--and scientists are still trying to figure out the ingredients."

(courtesy of FARK)

I am no longer in love with Iowa. The winter may have been surprisingly mild, but it is crazy hot here this week (hitting 101 on Wednesday). Plus on Saturday, this freak storm rolled in from nowhere with 80 mph winds that nearly blew me away. (The gust was so strong I went into frantic foreigner mode and asked the Target security guard if there was a tornado. I expected Toto to fly by at any moment.)

Right up my alley- AFI ranks the top 100 movie quotes. The usual suspects are represented, though I'm sure I could come up with some good ones that aren't listed.

Does anyone else watch Bridezillas on WE? The first season was so great, I caught the reruns this past year religiously. The craziness was usually subtle and you could sense that the girls were trying to put their best foot forward, but were just too wonderfully NYC-neurotic to keep it all inside. I think the key was that the producers were setting out to chronicle fabulous NYC weddings, but ended up better able to sell the show by spinning it as Bridezillas (much to the dismay of their bride stars). When I learned how the show originated, I knew there would never be a good second season.

I was right.

The second season premiered last Sunday and it bit the big one. I knew it was over from the moment I saw their new ad (which is also the new intro song). They lost all the spirit of subtlety and mostly classy neuroticism, and just went for the nut-jobs. The focus of this first episode was a psychotic (read:typical) 19-year-old marrying her boyfriend of apparently 1-1.5 months. In the first season, it was obvious who was getting a divorce within the year, and it was fun. This was just sad. Too much yelling, too much crying, no style... don't bother. Hope for another marathon of old episodes.

More interesting perhaps than Angels and Demons, my love of all things English was indulged through a couple of books I read while I was home last month. The first, a work of fiction, was The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory which I whole heartedly recommend if you don't mind mixing historical fact with romance (or 650 page novels). It follows Mary Boleyn from 1521 until 1536, chronicling (in varying degrees of fiction) the intrigues of the Boleyn siblings in Henry VIII's court. Only one of the three Boleyns has a happy ending, as you may know.

Having read that book and wondering what was fact versus fantasy, I picked up The Six Wives of Henry VIII by Alison Weir. She doesn't offer any credentials on her book covers, so I won't start citing her at conferences (not that APA would be particularly interested in my opinions on whether Henry VIII should have executed Anne Boleyn), but I assume she's not too far afield. For nonfiction, the book reads very much like a novel (which given the topic was probably not hard to do). It makes me want to head out to England for a little tomb and castle sightseeing.

Hilarious last item from the Daily Dish:
"Ashton Kutcher and MTV were really upset when one of their "Punk'd" missions - with rapper Lil Jon - backfired. Apparently MTV and Ashton spent a lot of money and months planning a secret operation. Lil Jon was supposed to be on a private plane to Las Vegas, but customs agents claimed he and his entourage were boarding a plane bound for Ecuador. Lil Jon was onto them within minutes. He recognized some of the actors posing as security, told Ashton to come out from the back of the plane, and said, "Come on, you can't punk the motherf--ing King of Crunk!" "

I know it's completely uncool to read Dan Brown because every idiot thinks he's a genius reading The DaVinci Code, but I just knocked out Angels & Demons in just over 24 hours, and I've got to give it props. Unlike the other book, it doesn't intentionally mislead you on who the ringleader is, it doesn't get boring in the middle 200 pages, and I find Rome a much more interesting base than Paris/England for the chasing. The plots are highly similar, so I guess I can't say Dan Brown is a fabulous author, but I like his stuff. I know there's not a soul left on the planet who hasn't read the DaVinci code, but if there were, I would tell that soul to read Angels & Demons first or instead of the other book.

What I really wanted to point out was that Dan Brown's website has a lot of great info (pictures, etc.) on all of his books. The best part is the two challenges on the site that were apparently part of contests at one point but are now just for fun. They're really quite clever, and even though I used someone's directions to get through quickly, I still felt smart solving some of the puzzles and sleuthing. good times.

Of particular interest to Laura- translations of what the professor says and what he/she really means. You'll need to refresh your memory for when you embark on your graduate career.

Love it-- Art collector has Sotheby's and Christie's play Rock-Paper-Scissors to determine who got to auction off his collection. Who knew this was common practice in Japan? I love it.

"Maclean said Christie's decided to play the eventual winner -- "scissors" -- after doing some research.
"A lady in Japan did her own research and she independently came with the idea that scissors should be the way we should go,' he said. 'I spoke to my own children and they also felt that that was the way.
"So, between us we decided to go with scissors."

I'm partial to using rock, so this is great news for me. Go ahead, make my day.

(via FARK)

Don't bake Alaska. Activists serve up 900 pound Baked Alaskan:

"Our congressmen, who take an oath to serve the people up in that House, are serving the oil companies. They're not serving us. And we're going to serve them baked Alaska."

I looove funny activists.

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

(Liberal quotes link from Fark)

Laura's going to love this: Idaho passes Napoleon Dynamite resolution. I'm going to assume it's for real, because of the website, but this paragraph was too funny for politicians... though maybe not Idahoan politicians.

WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"

Some other highlights of the bill:
12 WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly
13 the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and
14 WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's
15 most famous export; and
14 WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's
15 most famous export; and
16 WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered
17 multiethnic relationships; and
18 WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics;
19 and
20 WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air qual-
21 ity and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transporta-
22 tion; and
23 WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights a long-
24 honored Idaho vacation destination; and
25 WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour
26 shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns;

(courtesy of FARK)

Reading update (I'm supposed to be writing a paper on personality traits, so why not take a break for a book report, right??)
Just finished Vanity Fair (Thakeray) which was similar to Middlemarch in its Victorian soap opera type storyline- only edgier, and slightly less romantic (though it ended with the same note about how most lives are dull and normal, but that's okay). It was slow at times, but I fell in love with the characters (even the ones I hated). If you've got time for 680 pages of rambling, then go for it.

In a funnier vein, I'm now working on Honeymoon with My Brother (Wizner), which is totally stoking my wanderlust and making me plan pretend trips to Japan and jobs in Germany. It's not just about travel though, he's getting in touch with himself and bonding with his brother, which is a little sappy for me, but it's a quick read to get back to travel. Two funny bits:

"We hopped a ride with locals eager to give lifts on their scooters for a couple of dong, the world's most unfortunately named currency."

One of the suggested ways to get rid of street vendors: "Learn how to say, "I want to buy a kiss," in the native language. It's a surefire was to immediately drive most saleswomen, and nearly all salesmen, to the other side of the street. If not, you just found a potential foreign girlfriend."

A funny concept taken too far, so it's even funnier. It's the Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search. Tell the searcher a little about yourself (interests in world domination? poison?) and what you're looking for. Then get paired with a dead celebrity. I was hoping to get Elvis, but they skew political.

I got Leonardo DaVinci who showed mutual interest:
"What your date might be like...
If you've ever dated someone with ADD, you might have an idea of what to expect. Leonardo might suddenly disappear to work on an idea, or might change topics midstream as some concept or phrase triggers a new series of thoughts. Your best bet is to offer your assistance on whatever project he is involved in at the moment; then, at least you'll be able to talk a little, even if the conversation will mainly consist of being given a series of instructions by your overachieving master."

(courtesy of FARK)

I'm trying to find a fabulous stationery store online, so if you know of one, let me know. However, while looking for stationery, I found some things I love:
- Green kitty bag, how cute is it? I should make one for myself.
- Awesome little glass creatures (the night lights are so cute, but EXPENSIVE.)

People make such freakin' cute stuff. It blows my mind and endangers my budget.

The chocolate photos on this site are amazing. I'm starving for some good dark chocolate now.

My new favorite blogger, La Coquette, linked that site, calling Patrick Roger "the Willy Wonka of Paris". If you're a fellow francophile, you should check out her site. Who wants to post about Iowa, when some people get to post about Paris?

Cat accidentally shoots owner--So why couldn't Mike have used this excuse on Desperate Housewives? It would be on par with his girlfriend's dumb antics.
(courtesy of Fark again)

Nonverbal (and sometimes non-subtle) ways to get people out of your office. Hilarious AND useful tips.

(courtesy of FARK)

Some of my own nominations from the Oscar telecast:
- Most horrifying brunette: Renee Zellweger
  Runner up: Drew Barrymore and Mike Meyers
- Worst innovation to shorten the evening: cattle call. (Why did they have to line up the non-star nominees like cattle or miss america contestants?)
 Runner up: not even letting some up on the stage. (How much more firmly could they have told the make up winners that they really don't count?)
- Most monochromatic: Gwyneth Paltrow narrowly edging out Cate Blanchett (I think they're both to-die-for, but blondes should be careful of matching their dresses to their hair and skin tones)
- Sexiest acceptance: Motorcycle Diaries guy for best song (Jorges Drexler)
- Best running commentary: Defamer

Chris Rock did okay. The monologue was at times hilarious and at times embarrassing. I like his style, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't enjoyed by the masses. At least he isn't going to be crucified by the FCC-writing conservatives, that's all I was worried about.

"The awards don't really affect anybody's lives in the crowd," Rock said. "Meanwhile, the Nobel Peace Prize, there's no one there. Nobody cares what the scientists are wearing. What are you wearing Professor Allen? 'Pants!' "

I knew it was futile to hope that Chris Rock could host the Oscars without major controversy. However, I didn’t suspect the controversy to start a month before the show with implications that he might not even make it onto the stage. In great Chris Rock form,he isn’t backing down on his comments (though I wonder why it took so long for any kind of rebuttal to make it out). If he apologizes for anything, I’ll be sorely disappointed.

Nothing seems interesting enough to mention lately. I would like to offer some book reports though. I should really read fewer novels and more school stuff, but whatever.

1. Valley of the Dolls - Jacqueline Susann- I guess I've been reading too much Austen and Austen-knock offs, this unhappy ending was too distressing. I sobbed at the end of the book, I was so infuriated with it. I would never put up with that cheating bastard, Lyon. Bastard! Good soap opera type reading, but you may want some uppers like the girls in the book to survive it.

2. Jane Fairfax- Joan Aiken- A parallel to Emma, it follows Jane Fairfax's life. Really good. I found so much to love about Jane, except the secret engagement. Frank Churchill is a jerk. I had to reread Emma to see how well it paralleled. It was tough going at first, since the other book had me really disliking Emma, but I rekindled my love of Mr Knightley.

3. Mr Darcy's Daughters- Elizabeth Aston- Pride and Prejudice's sequel, set 20 years later. It seems she wanted to borrow some of P&P's casting with a moralizing sister, two trampy sisters, and the witty, pretty-in-her-own-way sister. The main character is no Elizabeth Bennet, but she's very likeable. At times, the book is a heavy-handed social commentary and is obviously intended to be a sketch of the intricacies of society life for the time. It's nothing Austen would have written, too many references to the bedroom, but it's interesting and a little saucier than you'd expect for an Austen knock off.

4. The Five Minute Marriage - Joan Aiken. Loved this book. Sultry, Darcy-esque Hero (hidden soft side, misunderstood, etc.) Exciting finale, and not too predictable. The heroine is a sort of Jane Fairfax, very likeable and easy to sympathize with.

5. Emma Watson- Joan Aiken- This was the first Aiken book I read, and I didn't like it much, so I didn't hold much hope for her others. I guess she doesn't like her heroine to end up with the parson, so she steered it against the natural flow of Austen's set up. Seriously, what Austen heroine would go for the one-armed naval officer she's barely met instead of the good looking local clergyman?!?

6. Sandition- Jane Austen and Another Lady- I read this a while ago, but since I'm recapping my Austen knock offs, I should mention it. It's a much better completion than Aiken's Emma Watson. This one has a really great climax, just like with Austen's books- I was in a panic thinking that maybe the hero isn't really in love with the heroine, and maybe she'll end up alone. But just as I'm giving up hope, he saves the day and is fabulous. Yay!

Verdict: I think Jane Fairfax is the only must-read for Austen fans, though I really liked the Austen-esque style of the Five Minute Marriage and Sandition.

Completely random aside:
Has anyone else noticed that the lead singer of The Killers is way hot in the Mr Brightside video? The right guy in eye liner... je ne sais quoi.

MY BOYFRIEND IS THE COOLEST IN THE WORLD!!!
Sometimes a strong southern accent can get you into trouble.

Yup, happy valentine's to me. I guess the nice Iowan who took 3XK's flower order couldn't understand that he wanted a silly comment, "I think you're swell." Of course, they also didn't understand the difference between your and you're, so maybe I should cut them some slack.

"It's just this whole day [Valentine's Day]. It's like an evil conspiracy created by the greeting card people, and the flower people, and the candy people. Well, not the candy people... they do god's work." - Grace (Will & Grace)

I just got my mom's V-day care package, and there can never be enough chocolate. She did well with this one. God bless the candy makers and my mom.

So, I went to the Winter Carnival this weekend after much anticipation. It
was probably the lamest Winter Carnival on record. It was 54 degrees on
Saturday, the ice sculptures were demolished on Friday because they were
a hazard, and the 10,000 frozen lakes were not frozen enough to support
much activity. Nonetheless, I had a blast in St Paul.

Aided by the unseasonable weather, the Vulcans overthrew the royal Snow Family, and a victory torchlight parade was had. I made sure I was marked
with a V by one of the victorious Vulcans. (I also got some beads during the
parade, but there were no shenanigans to get them).



The parade was great, but it was nothing compared to my first trip to IKEA.
It was everything I thought it would be AND MORE.



My companions laughed at me when I said I'd spent whole evenings putting
together rooms on their website, but they ended up buying even more than
I did (you can't deny its fabulousity!) It's already cold again, but I'll be back
to the twin cities as soon as possible.

By the way, the lovely city of Rudd, IA has great self-esteem:


(the sign reads "Rudd/ Not bigger... just better.")

I love French holidays.

I know, a lot of posting in one day doesn't make up for a month of neglect. However, I wanted to post this so Laura and Lisa know what's coming a year from this thanskgiving: we're going to have a Catherinettes outing. According to this American in Paris, Le Jour des Catherinettes is "an old French tradition for girls who are 25 and, GASP!, still single." I know Lisa will be able to make a knockout green and yellow hat (a la these beauties), and we'll have a blast in sleepy-old Auburn... in two years.

From Fark: custom coffins. I can embrace custom-made coffins of unusual style, but I find it alarming how much this gynecologist loves his job. I wanted to be clever or funny and say what I could be buried in, but I can't think of anything I like well enough to want a huge version of it. Also, what would future civilizations assume about someone buried in a giant rooster or fish? Those will really throw future archaeologists for a loop.

Did you know that Oklahoma was not the only midwestern state to be immortalized in a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical? Iowa is another lucky state (there could be more, I'm no expert). State Fair is so-so, but I liked the Iowa-ness. The state-referencing song is not quite as singable as Oklahoma!, but it's pretty darn good. Just try saying that chorus quickly (and pronounce it Io-way in the song).

Oh I know all I owe I owe Iowa
I owe Iowa all I owe and I know why
I am Iowa born and bred
And on Iowa corn I'm fed
Not to mention barley, wheat and rye.

I owe Iowa for her ham,
And her beef, and her lamb
And her strawberry jam
And her pie.

I owe Iowa more than anyone should owe
So I think I'll start in owing Idaho.

...
Good times. Do you think they were hungry when they wrote this song? The best part is that in the end, the daughter of the family gets to marry and move off to Chicago. At least in the musicals, people eventually escape Iowa. It should give hope to Heather and myself.

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

It snowed while I was gone:



Can't say I'm very happy to be back. It was 52 degrees when I left Atlanta, 12 when I landed in Moline, and 2 when I finally got back to Iowa City by greyhound. Brr.

I'm missing all the fun! I better get to see at least 14 inches of snow when I get back, or I'll be so disappointed. Sure, it's nice that it's over 70 here, but I was so looking forward to the first snow.

What I did on my Christmas break (so far):
1. Got my parents' tivo set up.
2. Watched movies (via tivo and Hastings).

Rankings from my movie spree
1. Rope (Jimmy Stewart, Alfred Hitchcock) - very good. I see now why my mom didn't like Murder By Numbers. It's a rip off of Rope with similar plot elements but none of the charm. The AMC guy pointed out it was filmed to look like a continuous shot (with two intentional exceptions). It's fun to watch for the tricks they used to allow edits without stopping the camera movement.
2. Beautiful (Minnie Driver, Joey Lauren Adams) - really funny. Thank goodness Miss Adams never went into psycho-crying mode like in Chasing Amy. That was so painful.
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - weird, good, but not that good.
4. Arsenic and Old Lace (Cary Grant, Teddy Roosevelt)- hilarious in that classic movie way. Source of a favorite quote of mine: "Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."
5. Call Northside 777 (Jimmy Stewart again) - interesting to watch, not action packed or anything. I thought he'd get in trouble with the mob or something, but Jimmy never ran into anything worse than hostility and one gun.
6. Lemony Snicket's... - didn't like it, I'm sorry to say. I didn't hate it, but I wasn't charmed.
7. Bottle Rocket - not my favorite Wes Anderson by a long shot, but interesting.


I also rewatched some movies. I highly recommend them all:
Garden State - after my second viewing I bit the bullet and bought the overly popular soundtrack.
Harvey - hilarious Jimmy Stewart movie. Has great composition in parts, styled like a play being filmed rather than just a movie.
Rear Window - classic. Can you tell I've become a big Jimmy Stewart fan?
Royal Tenenbaums - My favorite Wes Anderson film (I haven't seen the new one yet).
Men in Black - I think that makes 400 times I've watched it.
Vertigo - This was my third viewing. You need to watch it at least this many times to figure out what actually happened. Supposedly, Hitchcock was hunting for a replacement for Grace Kelly at this point in time. Kim Novak didn't make the grade, in my opinion.

As if having "Welcome to Moe's!!" yelled at you in the restaurant wasn't horrible enough, Moe's is trying to get God in on the act. If God is merciful, he won't yell it at me more than once.

Turns out I'm not getting myself a Fairly Oddparents Fishbowl for xmas, I'm getting something a little more entertaining.

(remember, you have to love yourself first.)

I just caught another fun bridezilla-focused wedding show: Always a Bridesmaid. Such fun, and they played the funniest song--

yes, I am a bridesmaid so I know love is blind
cause what they pick for bridesmaids is a heinous fashion crime.

It appears to be by Diedre Flint, since the lyrics are similar to this song, but I can't find the exact lyrics. The best part was "I'm afraid the jumbo butt bow won't fit through the chapel door."

Canada is really gunning hard to attract the disillusioned liberals to their frozen utopia (or maybe they're just gunning for human rights, but yanks may be a consequence of their actions). I'm already concerned about the oncoming Midwestern winter, so I can't even entertain the idea of a run for the border.

That reminds me-- contrary to what I just said, I am superpsyched about going to the Winter Carnival in St Paul in January. They have ice palaces! They have cool winter activities! They have a King Boreas who gets crowned and then overthrown at the end of the festival! I can't wait!

Hoorah! Someone is standing up for the rights of non-parents. I've often said they should have "grownup showings" of kids movies. So I like SpongeBob, should I have to sit in a crowd of squiriming kids to enjoy my movie? I think a 7pm cutoff is a little extreme, but I've endured a woman bringing her baby to a 10pm showing of The Hours, so I think somebody needs to start setting limits.

I don't think the picture quite captures the fabulosity of my christmas craftiness, but I'm so proud of my glitter-kitty tree that it's on display for the world to see (just above here, yeah-- the header).

(note- just the tree is my creation, the kitties and sign are actually gift tags that I got from the greatest stationery store EVER-- RSVP. I told you Iowa City was the cutest.)

I finished the fourth Gregory Maguire book (not his fourth, my fourth in order of reading), Lost. It's similar in style to his other books, and still fanciful, but it's not another fairytale-redux. I'll quote what I told my mother about it:

The plot is really odd. A woman goes to London to work on her new book about a woman who's mildly obsessed with the Jack the Ripper mystery, but then the writer herself seems to be a little obsessed with Jack the Ripper AND with Scrooge, which her family believes Dickens based on their great-great-great-grandfather, AND with her cousin who disappeared from town just as she arrived. Totally weird. At different times, it's a mystery and a ghost story and a love story and a tragedy. Really odd. My main problem with him is his tendency to have everyone pissing themselves, and talking about people going to the bathroom (in the fairytale books-- why did he have to mention when people used the chamberpots??). He has a serious bodily-fluids obsession.

This concludes my campaign against Wicked. It may or may not be a good Broadway production, but it's not a very good book. If you want to sample the Gregory Maguire goodness, please start with Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister or Lost or even Mirror, Mirror. Just save Wicked for last. Maybe if I reread it, I would enjoy it more since I have a better feel for the style. The question I have for myself is-- why did I follow up a book I didn't like by reading the author's entire collection?

Researchers can say what they want about pedestrians being less safe in the south than in the midwest ("Regional differences in walking safety are stark. Twice as many walkers die in traffic accidents in New Orleans, San Diego and Phoenix than in Minneapolis, Milwaukee and Boston.") But I have to contend that I have never been so paranoid about cars as I am here in Iowa City (see these articles for examples). With extremely high proportions of DUIs, and stupid young drivers, this is a scary-ass town to walk in. The worst thing (which happens every single time) is when a car actually stops for me (which I never assume they will and hope they won't because of this) they hit the gas when I'm about half-way across the path of their car. If I don't pick up speed, my ankles will get clipped. If they're in such a hurry, why don't they just zip past me so I can cross in safety? AAARGH!!! /rant

I am in fact, still alive (just writing a lot of term papers these days). And now I've found my christmas gift for myself: A Fairly Oddparents fishbowl!!! So cute.
I had a lot of success with a beta once (that bad boy lived over 2 years), but I think I'll downgrade to some fish I can keep in groups without them eating each other (but not goldfish, I can't keep going back for more).

If you didn't catch last night's Apprentice, but want a play by play of how ridiculous Maria was, this recap at tvgasm is hilarious. The highlight is the last picture with Maria looking like she might finally kill Wes in the cab.

(link courtesy of too much free time)

Why is it that any face that appears mysteriously must be the Virgin Mary? I saw CNN's picture of the infamous ebay cheese sandwich and thought, "that looks like some classic Hollywood star, like Marlene Dietrich." What's freaky is I can't say I've ever seen Marlene Dietrich before, but her name just came to mind. Then I found this picture of her, and the grilled cheese image is remarkably similar. Now that's mysterious.
There might be a better match in this Silverscreen Sirens gallery, if you care to look. All I'm saying is Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese may be a classic movie star, and the folks bidding on a half-eaten cheese sandwich may be crazy.

Personally, I can suspend disbelief and really enjoy a movie like The Day After Tomorrow, but if you're one of those poor souls who is tormented by the implausible-- the Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics rating system is for you. In their system, The Day After Tomorrow was rated RP for "retch". Apparently it was saved from an XP rating ("Obviously physics from an unknown universe") for being guilty more of exaggeration than total nonsense.

Kick ass: An unlicensed teenager who's seen too many action movies tries to flee a hit-and-run scene, only to meet up with some concrete company employees who've seen too many action movies... and have big trucks. Awesome.

(courtesy of FARK)

I know I seem indiscriminate when it comes to movies (and I really am), but I just watched Mean Girls and really liked it. Tina Fey's screenplay totally caught the essence of high school life and the message was nice even though it strayed slightly into the cheese-zone. All of the SNL bit parts were so fab (the permissive boob job mom, the clueless parents, etc).
Maybe I was especially connected to the storyline because some of us can relate to having middle school lesbian rumors dog us through high school (and some of us can still feel the undying hatred for some of the perpetrators.) I'm not saying it was me, but... okay, we all know it was me.

I'm a big fan of compact, novel living spaces, but the snail shell system takes it a little too far.

"Fixed to this is a box which contains equipment for cooking, a container for drinking water, a torch, a sponge for removal of condensed water, and a tube which can be fixed to the bilge pump. When the box is emptied of these items, plastic bags can be fixed to the box, which then functions as a toilet seat."

When you say "just remove all the stuff from your equipment box and it can double as a toilet", I say "sir, you've gone too far." Give me a loft cube any day.

(link via j-walk)

Update: hold the phone, this guy has more. Apparently he went a little crazy in the plastic tubs department at lowe's and started an "inventing" hobby. He also has no problem with dual-functionality-- even if one of the functions is going potty. Personally, I'll use things for double duty, but a toilet is a toilet.

Bar Mobile--I guess the passenger-seat-toilet is only popular after many, many drinks have been distributed.

The space frame looks a little more habitable than the snail shell, but this one is for a family.... not my family.

Oooooh, no- the hygeine tubs take the cake (and look at the dude using it!!)
(scroll to the bottom, too-- hygeine discotheque!)

I was wondering where the double-duty toilet was for the space frame, but I think a hygeine tub will do.

A few opinions:

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister is better than Wicked.

Raj being fired is better than Kevin being fired.

Regency House Party is better than other reality dating shows.

Happy, funny things:
quote:

"come dinosaur, we're not welcome in the house of no imagination." - Phoebe

museum: Mr Rogers museum- where you can actually change into a cardigan while you sing the song!

weird reality tv: Regency House Party

Avril speaks out against lip-synching
What's interesting about this article is I can aver that when I saw Avril live last year (as escort to my little sister, of course) she was most definitely live. So live she sang every song off key. She was flat the whole time. I would've paid good money for her to use a support track, or whatever Ashlee claims to have been using. This made me giggle:
"I got signed because of my voice... And I've never lip-synced once."

Oh, how I wish you would.

Just to amuse:
From an NYT article on the content of discarded grocery lists--

"People send messages to one another, too. Buried in one list is this statement: ''If you buy more rice, I'll punch you.'' And plenty of shoppers, like the one with both ice cream and diet pills on the list, reveal their vices."

This map from CNN proves what I'd heard about the presidential campaign ads- living in a swing state sucks. I'm so sick of the mudslinging ads. I voted already, leave me alone! No matter what happens on Tuesday, at least the ads will go away.

I'm filing this away for future use:
Chandler: Oh really? You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it?
Ross: Oh, I’ll prove it, I’ll prove it like a theorem!!!

(the whole script)

Yay! Halloween fun-- carve a pumpkin.

(link courtesy of Metafilter)


Where you from?
I'm from Iowa.
I was in Atlanta once.
Iowa's not in the south. You know that, right?
No, I didn't.

As part of my week-without-cable/watching-DVDs-from-the-library extravanganza, I just enjoyed Sidewalks of New York. I'm still in love with Garden State, but I really enjoyed this movie. One, for Rosario Dawson and Heather Graham and a fun mish-mash of recognizable, b-list faces; two, for David Krumholtz singing a Pete Yorn song (I rediscovered his album recently); and three, for the reference (above) to Iowa (I feel like I'm in an exclusive "I know where Iowa is" club). Why do I have this obsession with anything that's exclusive? Maybe it's a middle child thing, to want to be unique. But this is about the movie, not my fixations. Good movie.

I almost posted a love note to Garden State last night, but I decided to wait and see how I felt today. I still love it and I finally understand what people mean when a song or movie 'changed their life' (it didn't really change my life, but it gave me that feeling). I know it's not cool to love a movie that everyone else loves and I try not to be seduced into thinking that these almost mainstream movies count as cool and independent, but I loved Lost in Translation, LOVED Secretary, and am head over heels for Garden State.

Now, I'm not saying you should go see it, because I like to feel that this movie now belongs to me, but if you like my kind of movies and can go and enjoy it without telling me about it, you might be better for it.

More halloween song fun, thanks to Laura:

Five little pumpkins sitting on a gate
The first one said, "Oh my, it's getting late"
The second one said, "There are witches in the air"
The third one said,"But we don't care!"
The fourth one said, "Let's run and run and run"
The fifth one said, "I'm ready for some fun!"
Wooooo, went the wind
And out went the light
And the five little pumpkins rolled out of sight.

Personally, I think it's tragically sweet of Martha Stewart to pick crab apples and cook up jelly in prison. However, I'm confused by the story... what's not allowed? picking crab apples or cooking or cooking what you've gathered? How did she get to use the kitchen at all if it's not allowed? I say, let her make jam.

I'm not sure I've linked this before, but I have been regularly checking Tricks of the Trade for updates. There was an article in the Morning News that was very popular- so the author, Matthew (aka Defective Yeti) spun it out into this website, where he's collecting more tips so he can create a book. Each one is a little slice of genius. I just hope I can put one of these tricks to use some day.

The power of the internet-- I was just cruising the AHS Homecoming pictures posted on tufools.net, hoping on the outside chance to spot my sister in her supposedly very un-Rebecca dress. Lo and behold, there she is, twice. The world just got a little smaller. And that better be soda in those solo cups, or I've got blackmail material.

Standard procedure or freakishly friendly midwesterners?
I went to Buckle for the first time today (apparently, they're all over- including the ATL, but not at my malls). It was cool, and I got a neat jacket, but the sales people kind of freaked me out. The minute I walked in, one of the sales guys complimented my shirt -- because he had one too (a Walmart-bought Wonder Bread shirt-- go figure). Then I picked up the jacket, and another sales guy brought over a sweater which he thought I might like since I liked the jacket. Then a sales girl said that she had bought the same jacket, and paired it with pink and it was cute. Then when I got a fitting room, the sales guy got my name and proceeded to address me by name the whole time I was in the store, and suggest stuff and point out sales.
So, are they working on commission, really motivated sales people, or just freakishly, midwestern nice? The Iowans freak me out sometimes with the niceness, but I don't want to assume.

How lovely! I knew there was another Bridget Jones movie in the works, but IMDb says it's coming out next month. I don't recall seeing any trailers, but the movie site has a lot of charming pictures of Bridget and Mark Darcy. Sigh... I love Mark Darcy (technically I love Mr Darcy of P&P, but it generalizes). He displaced Howard Rourke years ago as the literary love of my life (the love of Rourke was just a teenage rebellion anyway).

I just pray they leave out the stuck-in-a-south-asian-jail lameness from the book.

It's October again, so I'm posting my favorite Halloween song again. (Laura, if you're allowed to talk about Halloween at school, maybe you can pass this classic on to another generation.)

H-A-double L -O-W- double E -N spells Halloween
H-A-double L -O-W- double E -N spells Halloween!

Halloween means ghosts and goblins, Skeletons, monsters and howling cats,
Spooky masks and jack-o-lanterns, Witches and devils and big black cats.

H-A-double L -O-W- double E -N spells Halloween (2x)

Trick or treat gets you candy and apples, Scaring the people who open the door.
Something here that they've omitted, then go to the next house and get some more!

I try to keep linkless comments to a minimum, but I have to brag that I completed my first complete NYT crossword puzzle today without resorting to google, imdb or oneacross.com even once (haha, there's a link).

(This is notable because I never thought I was good at crossword puzzles and only started really trying on them in the last three months or so. My self-efficacy for crosswords is at an all time high.) Woop.

Alas, I have a stats test scheduled for tonight, so I won't be catching the presidential debate. However, if you're going to watch them say the same damn things over and over again, you may want to spice it up with some Presidential Debate Bingo.
(I may catch the post-debate wrap up with Jon Stewart... I have a college degree; we do stuff like that. Haha)
(courtesy of FARK)

It's homecoming week here at UIowa which you might not realize except that they're blasting the fight song non-stop at the student union. High school was so much better with the spirit days and dress up. If we'd had nerd fantasy dress up day when I was at AHS, I would have gone all out (but probably in something relatively normal, like a Hogwarts uniform).
Maybe I'll have a homecoming dress up day tomorrow, all by myself... (<--idle threat)

Update to last night's post: Comedy Central compares O'Reilly's audience to The Daily Show's, and The Daily Show wins:
"Viewers of Jon Stewart's show are more likely to have completed four years of college than people who watch "The O'Reilly Factor," according to Nielsen Media Research."
Word to your mama, Bill.

Update to the Update: No one is letting this slide. The Daily Show viewers scored better on a political knowledge quiz than Leno and Letterman viewers. So Stewart knocked out 3XK's other boy- Letterman. Note: If you take the "political punch" quiz on the CNN site, you'll see that Leno actually makes more jokes about Bush than Stewart does (percentage-wise). I have to say I'm surprised, because I noticed how right-leaning Leno can be for the first time last night.

I know I'm not alone, but I still have to express love for Jon Stewart. This transcript from his appearance on the O'Reilly Factor sums up once and for all that my boy Jon is much more awesome than 3XK's O'Reilly.

Highlights:
O'REILLY: ... "scum of the earth, O'Reilly," I think that's the way you put it.
STEWART: No, I wouldn't have put it that way. I think it would have been, why do you have such je ne sai qua?
...
STEWART: By the way, I couldn't agree with you more about the French thing. They are such an important country, and I think really deserve a boycott.
O'REILLY: Yeah, they do.
STEWART: Because of the influence they wield in the world.
(CROSSTALK)
O'REILLY: Well, you know, I know you don't agree with...
STEWART: They have a variety of cheeses, and...
O'REILLY: I was just going to say, you have to have your brie before you go on.
STEWART: Do you really believe France is, in any way, worthy of a boycott?
O'REILLY: I do. I think France has really hurt the USA, to be...
STEWART: Really?
O'REILLY: Yes, I do.
STEWART: More than like Saudi Arabia? You would advocate a boycott...
O'REILLY: No, I'm not going to say more than Saudi Arabia. But I'm saying we do a lot...
STEWART: So why not boycott them?
O'REILLY: France is supposed to be our friend. Saudi Arabia is...
STEWART: Since when?
(CROSSTALK)
STEWART: Since the revolution they haven't been our friend.
--------
O'REILLY: That's true. But what do you want the audience to get out of your discussion with Kerry? Just yucks, or anything else?
STEWART: First of all, I shall rarely refer to it as yucks, and I think you should reconsider.
O'REILLY: OK, I'm sorry about that arcane term.
STEWART: "Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles.
O'REILLY: Thank you.
---------
O'REILLY: What do you think Kerry wants to get out of coming on your show?
STEWART: He wants to get what any politician does: access to a new constituency. He wants to get...
O'REILLY: The stoned slackers.
STEWART: ... that's exactly right, because the stoned slackers, this election is going to rely on the undecided. Who is more undecided than...
O'REILLY: Than the stoned slacker, right.
STEWART: ... the people who are high. Right now, they're thinking to themselves, ice cream or pretzels, ice cream or pretzels.

(link courtesy of LYD, which means everyone has probably already seen this.)

NEAT!!! A hurricane tracker that lets you watch each hurricane's moves and overlay their tracks. I didn't realize how Jeanne was all 'oh, I'm gonna head out into the Atlantic, and then syke, I'm coming for you, Florida.'

(link courtesy of FARK)

As soon as I get my LoftCube (or start having supercres-levels of infatuation with Macs), I'm getting myself an eglu (closeups of the design, AND the chickens).


(link courtesy of metafilter)

Personally, the most heartbreaking part of this whole Ivan thing is that a lot of the pictures in the news of destroyed houses (like this) are from Cape San Blas, where my family goes every 4th of July. That's my beach that got destroyed! /pout

(My family and house survived, so I have to fall back on more superficial tragedies to connect to this story.)

PS: CNN had this to say about our old beach: "Cartographers will need to redraw maps of Gulf Shores, officials said, because waves swallowed as much as a half-mile to a mile of the coastline." Wow, that's one heck of a storm.

Oh. no. PlanetDan's Senior Photo Collection. The best of the worst of high school senior photos. (Reminiscent of UglyDress.com, but not quite as tragic.)

(link courtest of metafilter)

I feel kind of bad reading this article, because for some reason it just feels invasive to read excerpts from the CSU student's (the one who died in the frat house) web journal (or whatever it was). However, it's a lesson to us all about being careful about what you put online. You just might say something ironic. And sad.

(When Rachel got married in January, I think I purposefully did not mention it right before the big day. I had this horrible feeling that something would go wrong if I documented exactly where I was headed that day. I'm a little superstitious, I guess.)

This list of the most hated men in rock is certainly controversial, but it reminded me how much I adore Ryan Adams in spite of everything. In a little googling, he went way down in my esteem and then right back up.
The down: I always loved this quote from him: "Gold is meant as an open letter for me and this one other person in the entire world, who shall go unnamed; the record's for her, not that she cares." It's so deliciously cry-me-a-river. HOWEVER, he went down in my esteem when I read that he was possibly talking about Winona Ryder. Ew.
Right back up: He's dating Parker Posey, my favorite actress.


....wait- his real name is David Adams, but he goes by Ryan Adams and still whines like a baby because people confuse him with Bryan? LAME. He goes down a notch again.

(RFT link courtesy of web-goddess)

FYI - Twinkies can be part of a "swanky" wedding cake. Maybe Erin will take notice of this... The preservatives freak me out, but it's bad luck not eat cake at a wedding, so bring on the sugary goodness.

I have spent a long time, starting at birth and continuing until this very moment, evolving into the kind of person who could not possibly like a movie like this, and I like to think the effort was not in vain.
- Roger Ebert on the Princess Diaries 2

Naked man in carton is deemed too fresh

Man, a guy gets arrested in cardboard pants the ONE day this week that I didn't walk through the Ped Mall. Dangit.

BTW, this is a weird town.

I may have seen this list before, but it doesn't stop these Bad Analogies from being funny:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

I LOVED the conclusion of The Assistant. Even to the end, Andy was hilarious and stupid. He chose my favorite, Melissa, and was as mean as possible to the idiot Mark (well, I guess they were all idiots to some degree, but he was also a jerk). I had guessed she won anyway, I swear I saw her doing an interview on MTV as lead up to the VMAs.

I'm about to get back to studying, really, but I have to ask... why did Puff Daddy (I don't acknowledge the new name) just show up to the MTV music awards with Bruce Willis? Randomness.

I love squirrels, so I usually discount stories of squirrel attacks, but this one is just down-right scary... and hilarious ("This was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death.")

Oh and speaking of scary, the pictures may not be original (though I don't recall the original internet store that sells these costumes), but the cast and stories of CAT TOWN are scary on a whole different level.

(both links courtest of FARK)

Good things to know-- Tricks of the Trade
A list of hints from a wide variety of trades, including...

Software Tester
Because developers don’t expect testers to read through their code, doing so is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like “// HACK” or “// fix this crap later.”

Cartographer
Mapmakers will often use “copyright traps,” bits of information in their maps that are purposefully wrong. They might label a body of water “Lake Strongbad,” for instance, and then examine the next editions of competitors’ maps to see if the incorrect information makes an appearance.

Botanist
...And when doing botanical work in South America, steer clear of the monkeys: They will throw sticks at you with surprising accuracy.

(link courtesy of MetaFilter)

Erin uploaded her pics from Ali and Joey's wedding, so I thought I'd share a few select pictures. This one of Laura and me is a favorite:

That's how the good party was. I swear I showed up with both shoes.

A few more photos here.

I was already sold on Alien vs. Predator (in my only college English course, we watched the entire Alien series... for some purpose I can't remember, and I loved them), but now I know the uber-hunk from Under the Tuscan Sun, Raoul Bova, is in it (he's on the news right now). Woohoo. What's funny is that the moment I saw him on the tv, I thought 'he really disappointed me once'. I had to look him up on IMDb to figure out when/how. I was crushed when things didn't work out for them, especially since he was one of the only interesting things in that movie.

Oh, and speaking of movies... Has anyone seen the Garden State? I might try out the nearby sketchy movie theater to see it.

Hellooooo, Iowa and a stupid, slow modem.

What fun... I just discovered that the house across the street is the meeting place for the local Quakers. Are they like the Amish, or no? Will I ever see a horse-and-cart pull up?

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Pinatas promote the beating of flamboyant animals. Look, there's a donkey with pizazz. Let's kick its ass.
~Demetri Martin
(from Adam's away message)

Good news... Ali got married to Mr. Joey Fones today. The couple was just too cute, and I couldn't believe how lovely it was. Yes, seeing my college friend Rachel get hitched was crazy, but I only knew her when she was already Allan's girlfriend. Ali and I go way back. I'm talking the preschooler sunday school class at First Presbyterian.
Highlights- getting a corsage because I was a punch-server, the chocolate layer of the wedding cake, the awesome folding fans for the outdoor ceremony, the Keisel Park setting
Not-so-Highlights- the white layer of the wedding cake, decorating the get-away car (not the finest job I've ever seen)
I brought home a chunk of cake so I could participate in a favorite superstitious activity- supposedly, putting a piece of cake under your pillow (in a ziplock bag, of course) will cause you to dream about your future husband. My coworkers had never heard of such a tradition, but I like it anyway and now I have proof I didn't make it up (sixth paragraph down). Not that I'm dying to get married; I just don't like suspense. Also, I like to involve cake in as many aspects of my life as possible. I think Steph has my back on that one.

Sad News... Rick James has died. His second helping of fame with Chappelle came just in time. Cocaine really was a hell of a drug.

As we all know, "even Jesus hates Creed." Do you think he'll feel any better about Alter Bridge?? Sorry Laura if this ruins your day.

I'm at home now, getting ready for my big move to a state so in love with corn, they can't even put it down to drive.

An interesting article on why the average person should experience a miracle once a month. What are the chances that one article will mention both my favorite rule from statistics (the Law of Large Numbers) AND my favorite social psychology concept (confirmation bias)???? There's my miracle.

"A principle of probability called the Law of Large Numbers shows that an event with a low probability of occurrence in a small number of trials has a high probability of occurrence in a large number of trials. Events with million-to-one odds happen 295 times a day in America...
In the case of death premonitions, suppose that you know of 10 people a year who die and that you think about each of those people once a year. One year contains 105,120 five-minute intervals during which you might think about each of the 10 people, a probability of one out of 10,512--certainly an improbable event. Yet there are 295 million Americans. Assume, for the sake of our calculation, that they think like you. That makes 1/10,512 X 295,000,000 = 28,063 people a year, or 77 people a day for whom this improbable premonition becomes probable. With the well-known cognitive phenomenon of confirmation bias firmly in force (where we notice the hits and ignore the misses in support of our favorite beliefs), if just a couple of these people recount their miraculous tales in a public forum (next on Oprah!), the paranormal seems vindicated. In fact, they are merely demonstrating the laws of probability writ large."

(courtesy of FARK)

(Did you notice the reviewer gets snarky in the last two paragraphs? I love it.)

I know I love Spongebob more than a mid-20's college grad ought to, but even I think the new Church of Spongebob is not just a little bit weird. Are they going to consult the magic conch during ceremonies? I actually want a magic conch. It's like a magic 8 ball, but cooler. Oh, here's someone's attempt at a magic conch. You're welcome; glad I could help.

(link courtesy of FARK)

Addition - I found their website. No mention of the magic conch, whatsoever. Maybe I can join a conch-following sect.
Here are the highlights of the church's tenets:
- Running around naked was fun when you were a kid, and can be fun as an adult. [dubious implications, I think]
- You can surprise the hell out of someone by throwing a birthday party for them when it isn't their birthday.
- If you're going to do something, do it completely - but don't hurt yourself.
- Wearing lucky underpants or a good luck charm may not work - but how can it hurt?
- If you're going to do something, even if it's something you've failed at repeatedly, be confident in yourself and express that confidence.
- Bicycles seems to work as well as boats underwater.
- Tricks are always exposed.
- It's exciting to get new tools at work.
- Saa-laads suck. [damn straight]

We listen to a LOT of radio at work. The Real Men of Genius ads (for Bud Light) bring dead silence to the lab as we hope it's anything but Mr "Over-the-top Carb Counter". My favorite is Mr "Pro Sports Heckler Man". ANYWAY, here's an absolutely hilarious parody (or maybe a real one we just haven't heard) that actually applies to me (and probably you ,too):

“Real Men of Genius. Today I salute you Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out actually having a life, you are at home, reading about it on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List [whichever is faster]. You have people on that list you haven’t talked to in years, but you still loyally read their away messages everyday to see what they are up to [borderline stalking]. So, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Marauder of the Mousepad and don’t wander too far from your computer because you never know when someone’s away message may change.”

Hahahaha... Laura, don't even think about it-- this is MY away message tonight.

(BTW- did you know the guy who is singing in the back ground is also the front man from "Eye of the Tiger"???)

I FOUND THE ADS ONLINE: here. Here's Mr Pro Sports Heckler Guy. Also good- Mr Giant Taco Salad Inventor.

(Parody courtesy of my co-worker Stacey, who doesn't read my blog, as far as I know)

Whew, my faith in Kentuckians is revived.

"Kentucky's highly unpopular license plate featuring a smiling, rising sun has outshined the competition in a national contest...
'If you lined up all 50 United States and the District of Columbia and looked at their general-issue (plates), the one that pops the most is Kentucky,' said Tim Stentiford, director of the association's contest. 'The dramatic colors, the crisp, clear state legend in a distinctive font at the top, and the smiling sun _ love it or hate it _ it really does stand out in the crowd.'
Many Kentuckians don't like the smiley-face plate, and specialty plate sales increased significantly after it was introduced. It is not scheduled for replacement until 2008."

Here's the tag. 3XK and I hate that tag, which we saw a total of a million times while driving to Wisconsin in March and Iowa in May (all the while trying to play the license tag game). I thought maybe we were just cold-hearted- but no, most Kentuckians have our back.
3XK's commentary: "that would piss me off, if I lived in Kentucky. It won because it "stands out in the crowd". So does a fat girl in a swimsuit contest; that doesn't mean she should win." Touche.